Can we please stop being a people pleaser all the time?
As polite people we are usually looking for ways to help others but when did it become the only way to go?
When did it become the gold standard of how to behave?
It’s not just women either.
Typically in men, it’s a “don’t say anything to rock the boat” that applies with significant others, sisters, mothers, you name it.
So how do we stop being a people pleaser and be more open to being direct and cooperative?
Read on for the top 5 tips, scripts and examples.
5 Tips to Stop Being a People Pleaser & Improve Relationships
Getting to the point where you can be direct and have the other person receive it, takes effort. Here are a few tips and scripts to get there.
- Not everyone deserves your thoughts and considerations. First of all, there are some relationships that are worth the extra time and energy; on the other hand, not every relationship falls into this category. Choose the ones that you want a more connected outcome.
Script “I really want our friendship/relationship to grow. Would you mind if we tried to be more direct in our conversations?”
It sounds awkward, but it is so relevant in changing our people pleasing ways. A lot of people pleasing comes from trying to make the other person happy without actually asking.
For the times I’ve done this, it’s opened up the relationship to another level of communication. “Can I be completely honest with you…?” It wasn’t smooth the first few times I said it, but it does get better and easier all around. And the added benefit? It opens up conversation to more of a safe space.
Close relationships are often looking for better ways to be connected. Approaching the topic of having a better relationship through being honest and more direct can be hugely helpful for both sides of the equation opening up. - The people that care about you want to know what you want nowadays. Isn’t it the worst when you get something handed to you and that was you 5 years ago? A friend of mine used to be on a hardcore keto diet, so when I saw her recently I thought that her food preferences hadn’t changed. Color me surprised when she said that her dietary guidelines had changed two years ago.
I was trying so hard to be thoughtful and people pleasing, I didn’t actually ask the question if anything had changed.
Script: “Looking forward to seeing you! Does the keto diet (or fill in the blank here) still work for you? Want to make sure the food options work for you.”
Even if they are surprised or if there’s an awkward silence, most people are happy that you checked in with them. - Your thoughts, opinions, and perspective matter. What about the other side of things? What about us telling others what we want?
A lot of us often don’t say anything because we want to be amenable to what everyone else wants. People pleasing at its finest.
The problem with this? Besides going in an never-ending loop and getting frustrated, it matters because people that care about you want to take your thoughts into consideration. Really.
Script: “Hey, about that restaurant/activity (fill in the blank)…can we try something else next time? I’m good to participate and would love to try (enter your preference here) next time we get together.”
Not only is doing the same thing over and over again sometimes boring, but what if the other person is people pleasing you? What if neither of you really like that restaurant that you go to every month anymore, but they want to make you happy and vice versa? No one is winning. (Well except the restaurant maybe.) - Give yourself the time and space to figure out your perspective and preferences. People pleasing robs you of figuring out what you want. For example, when we are asked “What do you want?” more often than not, we don’t even know.
And do you know why we don’t know? Because we have been people pleasing for so long, we gave up our right to have an opinion. Maybe it was because someone else’s opinion was so much louder than ours; maybe it was because we thought that if we “let them have their way” it would be easier in the long run.
We used to know what we wanted. Try this experiment: Ask a toddler that question.
Oh, they know what they want for sure.
It may be easier in the short term to go along with everyone else, but in the long term we forget who we are and that we matter.
Script (This one is for ourselves.): My voice and presence matters. People that care about me want to get to know me and being seen is important to me.
For a lot of topics and situations, speaking up about what we want won’t be a big deal. Hey you like this now instead of that? Ok, sure. You want to do this instead of that? Sure, let’s try it. - Give loved ones the opportunity to have a real conversation. If they are someone that matters to you, and you matter to them, say the direct comment and give both of you the opportunity to have a real conversation. It doesn’t have to be scary.
Ever have a conversation days, weeks, or even years later where you find out what the person really wanted? And then you think, if I had known, I would have changed what I said or did? Yeah, that.
In a way, people pleasing is the exact opposite of connectedness and that sucks.
Give the people you love the chance to be in a real discussion with you without all of the assumptions (yours or theirs). Make choices, stories, and connection together in the present without all the pressure of being a mind reader. Have them share with you what’s on their mind, what they want and how they are feeling in that moment and you share your thoughts.
Scary? Possibly.
Super effective at improving your relationships? A thousand times yes.
People Pleasing Take a Back Seat
Being a people pleaser works well sometimes. But often, it doesn’t.
It takes away from connecting with others, honesty, and real conversation. It shrinks down our ability to choose and have a voice and relies on putting others first in an inauthentic, autopilot sort of way.
As the world gets more complicated and our lives get busier, I often look to my close friendships to really be seen, heard, and enjoy life together.
And that is more easily done when we aren’t people pleasing each other so hard. It works better when we are direct, open to being in the moment together, and make decisions together.
Give yourself and the relationships you choose the chance to shift and grow.
It’s not always easy but it is always worth it.
